The Gamer Who Wouldn’t Leave

Dice Monkey, who happens to be my brother, got me onto this site. Thanks DiceMonkey. Make sure to check out his Blog. Where mine will cover board and tabletop games, his will be more RPG related.  I’ll be guest spotting over there every once and a while, and he’ll be doing the same over here. 

I’d like to start of with a story that I’m sure every gamer will understand, and commiserate with. And if you’re the gamer I am describing, seriously consider this as your wake up call. 

No, I’m not going to talk about Gamer Funk. No, I’m not going to talk about the Rules Lawyer. I’m not even going to talk about the Matrix Gamer. (For more information about the Matrix Gamer, go to http://www.thed6generation.com. Episode 4b, the last 5 minutes in the Segment “D’ya ever notice.”)

No, I’m talking about the gamer I am going to call the Loki Gamer.

This is going to require a bit of set up, so bear with me.

My brother had a Dog. His name was Loki. Loki was a bordercollie/aussi/Corgi mix. He had a normal dog’s body, a medium dogs head, and stuby little legs. He was a sausage. Not a weiner dog. A sausage. Wow. Tuff luck, eh? Oh, and he was gay. Not gay in a “I like boys” way, but a “mentally unstable, please love me” kind of way. He wanted “really, really bad to be a big dog.” and wanted just to be loved. Hard to do, let me tell you that.

Well, I have a friend who is the pentultimate Loki Gamer. I will call him Michael Scott, because I can only see this friend in Michael Scott when I watch The Office. He wants badly to be accepted, and thus, will, once he gets a chance to hang out, do everything he can to prolong the engagement. So, you ask, what is the Loki Gamer? Here is what a Loki Game is.

Michael Scott arrives at my apartment to play Warmachine. Warmachine is a fast paced, aggressive game where the slogan is “play like you got a pair.” This means, “quit thinking about your move and move damn it!” So, my wife goes to bed with a headache, and we begin talking. An hour and a half later, we finally start playing. (it’s now 9:00pm.) I get my guys on the board, and then wait, and wait for him. It’s my turn. I move my guys, and then wait, and wait for him. Only, he doesn’t just take long to move, he sits there, silently, for twenty minutes, planning out everything he will doand then moved his first model, and takes another 20 minutes to move another 20 models. And you’re saying, MAN! JUST MOVE!!

Now, while he’s moving, unlike him, I’m making a plan. That plan shifts with each move he makes. As soon as he’s done, I know what I’m going to do, and do so. I repeat this mantra to him. “Michael Scott, you are trying to be so perfect, that if you make a mistake, you only learn form that one mistake. If you moved faster, we’d get more games in, and more mistakes from which you will learn from!”

This goes on for 4 hours. It’s 1:00am. The game is finally done, and I’m tired. So, while being tired, I play that up, cross my arms, showing my “tiredness” and hoping he catches on. Finally, I start packing up for him. Finally we get him packed up, and start moving towards the door. He proceeds to stand in the door with his stuff on his arm and stare around “wondering” if he forgot anything. And you’re thinking, “It’s 2:00am!! I’m going to bed!” Finally, he leaves. Wow. What an ordeal. 

Jump ahead to last week, I’m playing with another guy, Dennis Gagaoin, whom I’ve never played before. He showed up late, but within 4 hours we got not one, but two games in. The second being, and he said, the best game he had ever played. And it was awesome! So, I know this is rambling, but now you know what a Loki Gamer is.

I encourage your comments. I would love to make a list of the unsavory gamer types here, but I assure you, there will, in the future be more positive Blog entrees. Until then, Color Code your Dice, and Throw Down the Bones. 

Game Gorilla Out.